Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying