If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I have so many questions.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know