If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My god she’s good.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.