I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
#milo
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
quarantine day 3
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!