Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away