Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.