sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”