Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.