The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
sigh
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.