I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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Brother?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.