You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I can’t stop watching this.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”