[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us