Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
You Might Also Like
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”