Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.