Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk