It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!