Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat