Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.