Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked