dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
#Caturday
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Thanks to a fan for this one!
you will never know the true number of layers
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.