For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.