Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
BRAKING NEWS!!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?