*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed