me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children