If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Google Pay be like:
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you