@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

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@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@AllTheUglyTruth

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

@WheelTod

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

@PaperWash

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@NurseMurderer

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

@fro_vo

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

@karanbirtinna

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

@felipetmedinaa

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself