6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Teach your children to beatbox
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*