Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
You Might Also Like
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Flock of bats
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*