me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
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That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
No way!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.