If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
the short answer to this question
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.