I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
When can I start eating bats again.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”