I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I have a new favorite meme page