If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
kitchen magnet
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
me as a parent
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.