Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
the Monday after daylight savings
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!