[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.