Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives