Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants