Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol