Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You Might Also Like
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
These are too funny not to post 😂
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.