These are too funny not to post 馃槀
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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can鈥檛 wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I still remember the day I asked my mom 鈥渨hy did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don鈥檛 give a shit, I鈥檓 the megabiome, I do what I want. I鈥檓 having a fanta lemon. I鈥檒l swallow coins
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Hey Brenda, let鈥檚 watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
A doctor鈥檚 5 minutes is longer than a woman鈥檚 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she鈥檒l back in be 5 minutes鈥ou鈥檙e screwed.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I don鈥檛 care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That鈥檚 nothing. You should鈥檝e seen them in the 70s
i鈥檓 cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they鈥檙e banging horses
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don鈥檛 care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She鈥檒l be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she鈥檒l send me on a guilt trip
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you鈥檙e entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.