me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
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They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.