I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”