Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.