@thehubrispanda

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

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@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@earnestaugust

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@13gbenita

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@jngraphs

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss