The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water