The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon