Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.