The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.