quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Most fashion shows these days…
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.