“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*weighs self after shaving
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood