I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot