Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.