“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training