The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
May you never lose your sense of wonder.