The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation youâre alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if Iâm dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Donât touch my radio.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests đ
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust wonât satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Just told my son to âwipe that smile off your faceâ and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If your dog doesnât come back when you call them just shout âOh shit!â and look at the floor like youâve dropped something
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
calling in to work dehydrated