Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”