With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
You Might Also Like
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Welcome to the stomach
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*